Many moms I work with tell me that they are at a loss at how to teach their children to play alone. Their kids follow them around, constantly seeking feedback and interaction. They feel resentment, burnt out, and don’t know what to do. How do you get a child to play by themselves?
It starts with you.
Below are some some self-reflection questions you can explore if you find yourself struggling with this issue. They will help you examine your attitude and thoughts about children playing alone. Finally we will explore some ways to help your children transition to more independent play.
Do I understand my child’s development?
Although every child is different, children who are developing along normal childhood milestones can be expected to play independently more and more as they age. Some researchers have said that it’s about 2-5 minutes per year of age. Others have asserted that a 3 year old can be expected to play up to 30 minutes independently. Your child may be different – able to play more or less. It’s important to not set your expectations too high…or too low.
A child’s attention span is influenced by a number of factors, some of which are biologically based and cannot be changed with simple interventions. Understanding your child’s unique wiring can help you establish realistic expectations for independent play. But giving children who struggle with attention a complete pass on building this skill incrementally is not helpful either. It can take some trial and error to understand your child’s innate capacity in this area.
Research has also found an associate between screen time and attention difficulties. Examining your family’s screen habits can be a helpful exercise.
Please note that children under the age of 1 should not be left unsupervised to play and your house should be reasonably baby-proofed to prevent any accidents or injuries.
Am I holding on to mom guilt regarding independent play?
Many moms also tell me that they feel guilty telling their child no when it comes to playing with them. They struggle to turn down an offer to play princess for the 10th time that day because they don’t want their child to feel rejected or unwanted. I am here to give you permission to not be your child’s primary source of entertainment. You don’t need to hold onto the guilt that makes you feel bad for attending to your own needs or the needs of your family.
If you feel bad about asking your children to play alone, take a moment to do some self-inventory. You can ask yourself how you came to believe that telling a child to play alone is bad or that parents who don’t play with their kids all the time are bad. This may have roots in hurts from your own childhood that might need to be explored with a trusted friend, mentor or therapist.
What do I believe about boredom?
In this digital age with constant entertainment at our fingertips, we are rarely bored. And if we are, we often have a device in our hands that will remedy that. I recently observed parents at a party who were never able to sit, constantly providing active engagement with their children. They almost never rested or engaged in an adult conversation. There was a sense of urgency about them to prevent boredom in their kids at all costs. I find that many parents have adopted the mindset that boredom is bad. But this is actually untrue.
When we conceptualize boredom in this way, we actually rob our kids of something so important. Studies have found that creativity is the birth child of boredom. Boredom triggers mind wandering and this type of wandering sparks creativity.
If you can shift your mindset from “boredom is bad for my kids” to “boredom breeds innovation and creativity,” you might be better able to tolerate the whiny claims of: “Mom! I’m bored!” To older children you might even reply, “That means there is something creative and new right around the corner!”
What is the quality of my playtime with my kids?
Many times kids pull for their parents attention constantly because they never really have it. You may think that you are playing with them all the time, but if you take a minute and authentically explore the quality of your engagement with your kids you may find another truth. Are you really present? Are you engaged and delighting in what your children are sharing with you? Are you distracted by mental to-do lists or your phone? What is the quality of your attention?
Your children deserve a fully engaged parent. Some kids may not overtly notice your inattention, but some do. If you cannot give them your full attention when they ask to play with you, you might say something like: “I would love to play that with you when I am able to give you my full attention. That isn’t right now, but I will play with your right after dinner. I’ll make myself a note.”
Steps you can take to help your children play more independently
There are steps you can take to help your child transition to playing more independently. Here are a few ideas to get your started:
1) Create independent play times in your daily routine. It’s important to start small and work your way up to longer stretches of time. You may find that after lunch is a good time for your non-napping children to begin to practice independent play. In fact, I often encourage parents to safeguard nap time even when the naps are no longer needed. You can simply transition to quiet play or independent play in their rooms.
If your children are new to independent play, you can introduce it slowly by simply announcing the new practice, getting their feedback on what they might like to do during that time and then setting a timer for an achievable goal. You may need to start at 10 minutes and work your way up. Once the timer rings, ask each of your children to share what they did with that time. You can even take pictures of their creations to share with your spouse later.
2) Create daily cooperative play times. When my children were little, after dinner was a time when we would fully focus on playing whatever games our children wanted to play. It often included timing them as they ran around our indoor “race track”, piggy back rides, puppet shows, games and playing with matchbox cars. This was a time of mutual enjoyment because everyone was choosing to be there and distractions were minimal.
Setting aside a specific time of day when your children can have your full undivided attention can go a long way in helping them play independently throughout the day. They will be assured that your attention is coming rather than feeling the need to steal your attention at every possible moment.
3) Evaluate the quality of their toys. Are they mostly “one note” toys- meaning, can they only do one thing with the toy or can they use their creativity to use it in new and novel ways? A select few of these types of toys are fine, but if you objectively evaluate your children’s toys and find that they cannot lead to creativity, it may be time to trade them in for some more exploratory toys that include puppets, dress up clothes, dollhouses, blocks, old magazines, musical instruments, pots and pans, non-motorized cars and trucks and other pretend play items. Stickers, empty craft books and other age-appropriate supplies can also be helpful for bursts of creativity.
4) Rotate toys. If you have the space you can store a portion of your children’s toys and then swap them out periodically so that the old becomes new again. You can create “toy swap days” once a week or month so that your children can be active participants in selecting which toys they want to let rest and which ones they would like to keep out.
Parental burnout can be a sign of poor boundaries and limits. You simply cannot be everything to every one. Setting limits is both for you and for your children. Examining your mindset about independent play can help you see why you are struggling in this area. Understanding that independent play is actually good for kids, can give you the strength to stick with those limits. Please feel free to share your questions or struggles in this area in the comments below.
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