Parenting is hard. For everyone. I have never known a parent to say, “Wow, this is so much easier than I thought it would be!” And if you have ADHD, parenting is even harder. Parenting is filled with tasks that are innately difficult for those diagnosed with ADHD. In this post, we will explore some of the challenges that come with having ADHD as a parent, as well as some tips to help you better manage those challenges.
Parenting challenges for those with ADHD
The everyday tasks of parenting bump right up against the deficits of those with ADHD. Parenting requires planning, consistency, organization, foresight, task initiation, emotional regulation and much more. All of these “requirements” can be areas of challenge for those with ADHD. Here are just a few ways that ADHD can create additional challenges in parenting.
Consistency
It is important for kids to have consistency and routine. But what if this is an area of struggle for you personally? Maintaining a calendar, routines, chores, and consistent behavioral expectations can be difficult when the ADHD brain is craving novelty, stimulation or escape.
Mental load
Parenting requires a great deal of “mental load” – that internal registry of all the things that need to be done in a day or a week that need to be tracked and executed. But if your working memory isn’t so great due to ADHD, that mental load can be burdensome.
Emotion regulation
Kids push our buttons. A lot. Those with ADHD often struggle with emotion regulation, often feeling suddenly overwhelmed by the stimulation, noise, begging and non-compliance that are typical childhood behaviors. Once you hit that boiling point, it can be hard to stay consistent, stay connected and intervene as you would like.
Home management
Trying to keep a house in order when your brain struggles to sequence, chunk and prioritize tasks is very difficult. The laundry piles up, the kitchen table is never clear for dinner. And with kids around, the mess is never ending.
Having children with ADHD
Since neurodiversity runs in families, chances are that you may have one or two children with ADHD as well. So the deficits you struggle with may be the very same ones your child does. This requires “super parenting” and at times, you will struggle to put on your cape.
Now before you become discouraged, I want to get right into the things that you CAN do to help you manage your ADHD as a parent. I am not here to say that it is easy, but it is doable with the right tools, supports, and mindset.
Tips for parenting with ADHD
1) Get your foundation in place
The foundation for good mental health is diet, sleep and exercise. You can’t build a sturdy house on a crumbling foundation. Getting these areas realigned can be challenging, so pick one area and make one “micro” change. We know that incremental changes are the ones that last. Don’t try to make sweeping changes as that will set you up for failure and further frustration and negative thinking. Start by taking the stairs or parking far away to incorporate exercise into what you are already doing. Or try swapping one of your daily snacks for nuts and fruits. As these become more routine, you can add other changes.
If you have a diagnosis of ADHD and are not on medication, consider a medication evaluation. It can be a very effective tool in your tool box to help you manage the symptoms that impact your parenting.
2) Embrace flexibility and let go of perfectionism
Perfectionism is a trait that can stem from ADHD. Years of being told that you are lazy, sloppy, late, etc, can create negative self-appraisal. In an effort to counteract this negative bias, some people with ADHD develop perfectionism. Setting standards for yourself that are not achievable is not helpful – it will only re-enforce the very thing the perfectionism is attempting to address: that feeling of “not good enough”.
Try creating “red, yellow and green” schedules – A red schedule is a daily routinie that is reduced to the necessities (getting kids fed and out the door, eating breakfast, walking the dog, and maybe doing one small chore). A yellow day would be a medium energy day and a green day would be days where you wake up with a lot of ambition. Maximize and work with the state your body is in and give grace to yourself when you need a “red” day.
One of my favorite books to recommend to moms struggling with ADHD is How to Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis. It is filled with practical, ADHD friendly tips to help you let go of the standards society has instilled in us about housekeeping. One of the things that I love about this book is that there is a quick path through it – you don’t have to read every page to glean helpful tips (just a heads up, there is some strong language in this book if you are sensitive to that sort of thing). The author does a great job of encouraging the reader to let go of what isn’t working and find a new way – even if your mind is telling you it is the “wrong” way to do something.
3) Put on blinders
You simply cannot compare your parenting to neurotypicals. Low self worth among those diagnosed with ADHD often stems from an endless comparison game. Compare yourself to you – how are you doing compared to a month ago? A year ago? Look for progress, not perfection. It will be important for you to come to terms with your ADHD and its impact on your parenting, but be mindful of where you get your information. If you want to glean information from the internet, go to spaces that are neurodivergent-friendly, such as How to ADHD, a YouTube channel by a woman with ADHD who shares openly about the struggles that come with living with ADHD and practical tips to help manage the symptoms.
Try to connect with other parents that also have ADHD so you can surround yourself with individuals that can relate to your struggles and offer you the support and encouragement you need to keep going.
4) Make time for passions/interests (but with boundaries)
Many people assume that since “attention deficit” is in the name of the disorder, ADHD is an issue with attention. This is typically only the case for less preferred tasks. People with ADHD are prone to hyperfocus on things that are of interest to them. So much so, that once engaged, they lose track of time and place (time-blindness).
You deserve to pursue your passions. Instead of them taking you by surprise, create intentional blocks in your day or week to devote to the things that really engage your mind or body. To do this with intention, you will need to be aware of the signs that you are slipping into hyperfocus (self-observation and compassionate reflective journaling after the fact can help). You will also need to employ the help of an alarm or a loved one to let you know when the time limit you set for yourself is up. Creating a transition task (such as moving to a slightly less preferred task, but still enjoyable activity) can help you tear yourself away.
Making time for this is very important as it will energize you for the less-preferred tasks of parenting. Think of these sessions as a sort of re-boot for your energy and concentration levels.
5) Get inside AND outside help
If you and your spouse complement each other in strengths and weaknesses, this can be a real benefit to your parenting. Try to divide up tasks based on preference and ability to get it done. Also, as soon as your children are old enough, start dividing up the care tasks that go in to running a household so that all of it does not fall on one person. Put one child in charge of feeding the dog. Put another child in charge of loading and starting the dishwasher. Establish one time during the day when everyone is working on something that benefits the whole family.
If this still isn’t enough, look for outside help. This can be in the form of a cleaning person once a month, a parent coach, investing in a home organizer to help you reduce clutter, or hiring a weekly babysitter so you can exercise or decompress. Find a support system that helps you be the parent you want to be. This may include finding a therapist well-versed in the treatment of ADHD.
6) Anchor yourself to your values
Values based living is a beautiful thing. It’s not about goals, achievements or to do lists. It’s about choosing this moment how you want to show up. If you are a parent with ADHD, it can be helpful to spend some time figuring out what is most important to you and then do a time audit to see if your energy aligns with your intentions. For example, maybe quality time with your kids is highly important to you. But when you look at the tasks of your day, you may notice that the vast majority of your time is focused on cleaning or trying to keep up with the house. This would mean that you have adopted value-incongruent behaviors.
Take a moment and assess. Where do I want to put my energy? In the long run, will a clean house matter to my children more than my relationship with them? Invest where you truly care. Again, let go of the “should’s” and “ought to’s” that act like puppet strings to your daily tasks. If you have found that you are far from your parenting values, finding ways to connect with your kids can help.
7) Pick one behavior or parenting struggle to address
If you have ADHD as a parent, you may struggle to feel like you have a good handle on things when it comes to discipline. Instead of trying to tackle all the issues at once, focus on one area. If your child struggles at bedtime, set a timer for 30 minutes and do some research online. Take notes and stop after 30 minutes. Get a piece of paper and write down the steps you will take to address this behavior and talk it over with your spouse. Where could this plan go wrong or back fire? What can you anticipate will happen? Explore the issue and then focus your parenting energy there until you feel that you made a shift. As you do this, other areas may still be problematic (the child may refuse to eat what has been served, or he may still get into squabbles with his brother). That is okay. You are focusing on one area at a time. Change begets more change. And this leads me to my last tip…
8) Focus on what is going right
The ADHD brains are prone to negative thinking. It’s easy to just focus on all the areas you are failing in. One assignment I like to give clients who struggle with this is a “what went right today” journal. At the end of each day, after the kids are tucked in, sit down and reflect on your day. What went right? Maybe you kept your cool when your kids pushed your buttons. Maybe you got dinner on the table within 30 minutes of when you wanted to. No success is too small to include.
Final thoughts…
Now I realize that if you have ADHD, this post may have been too much for you to take in at once. So give yourself permission to simply bookmark it a read it in chunks. Take one strategy and work on that. Don’t create unreasonable expectations for yourself. Clothe yourself in grace and talk to yourself as you would speak to a friend who is struggling.
Lasting change is possible – if you create reasonable expectations for yourself, are equipped with the right tools and hold your mistakes gently.
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